I know it’s been a bit since I’ve shown up here, but I’m struggling with my mental health. I’ve been trying to work on it. I’m trying to get better, but it’s hard.
Going to therapy has been a life saver for me. Like literal life saver because I have moments where I want to end my life.
Memories have been coming up in therapy and in my wacked up brain, things I’ve suppressed, so I don’t remember. The one thing I do know is I have been depressed a long time, and no one helped me or thought anything was wrong.
It’s apparently normal for teenagers to numb themselves with drugs and alcohol. It’s apparently normal for teenagers to go off the deep end and party so much that they can’t remember most of their teenage years. NO, THAT’S NOT NORMAL! I was a broken mess.
I was bullied, but I didn’t realize it til way later in life. I thought the way I was being treated was ok. The silly names they had for me. The things they would try to get me to do. I numbed it all with alcohol and drugs. I didn’t know how to help myself and therapy well…
Therapy was not allowed. It was not allowed to be talked about being mentally ill. I was dismissed and basically told I wasn’t good enough at all times.
That’s not the way to grow up. It’s not the way to do life, and apparently, it’s still happening to me. The only difference is that I’m trying to break the cycle. I’m trying to speak up and end the hurt.
I work really hard to talk to my boys and be present in their lives. To let them know I’m a safe place for them. I don’t want them to be like me. To not have a safe place in their parents. To not trust them to help when you need it the most.
To be honest, I’ve been scared to write and publish this because I don’t want to hurt feelings. Then I think to myself, what about my hurt feelings! They have to count! But I know they won’t count. That my feelings will be discredited. That I’ll be told that I’m making things up in my head.
Yep, I’m always told this. My feelings are always pushed to the side. Even now in my marriage. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I’m hoping I can find it in me to write more. To be completely vulnerable with my therapist, but I don’t know. I’ve kept this all in for so long it hard.
Ok, I’m done for today. I feel like I’m going to vomit by publishing this one. I dont know if I’ll share on social media or not. I don’t know if I should, but here it is. This is me raw and vulnerable!
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