It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything. I haven’t even been able to open this app to look at my page. I’ve been avoiding expressing myself because I’m avoiding the emotions that go along with it.
I’m lost. I’m in pain. The monster is attacking my body on top of the emotional pain. Honestly, I’m scared. I don’t know really want to face this. I need to get this stress out of my life, though, because it’s making me sicker!
Writing helps me process my thoughts though so here I am, writing again. I wish I wasn’t so afraid to express this and I could just be honest. I’m going to try but I’m not sure if it will happen.
See, I’m living in a type of hell. It’s filled with tension, stress and it’s not helping my health. No matter what I do I can’t seem to feel better because I’m not doing the thing I need to do, which is leave.
I’m tired of getting blamed for all the troubles. I’m tired of getting lectured, yelled at, and made to feel less then. I’m just tired of living this life.
The only things keeping me from going are my 3 boys. I can’t destroy the life they know. I can’t be blamed for one more thing. They deserve a happy life, and I do a pretty good job of hiding my despair from them.
I hide this from pretty much everyone except for maybe two people. They are the only ones who know the truth. I just want to be ok. I want to be me again and be able to smile without forcing it. I want to stop this monster from attacking my body and killing me. But none of that will end until this mental assault stops.
Honestly, I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish writing this. It’s more of a brain dump than anything. I just need to get it out. I’m UNHAPPY.
And I’m at the point where living isn’t something I really want to do anymore. I push myself to do it, though, for those boys. I push myself to pretend for those boys. I need to heal for my boys.
How? I’m not sure. I’ll keep going to therapy. I’ll keep putting in the work despite that feeling, the one that makes me want to disappear. Maybe one day, I’ll feel alive again. I’m not sure when, but one day, it might happen.
Ok, I’m done with my brain dump. I need to get today started and work on being ok. I am working on not showing my boys how dead inside I really am.
Hope your day is better then mine!
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