3 boys and me

I haven’t written anything in a really long time. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to. I just couldn’t bring myself to write. My whole being has been in turmoil. I’m struggling to climb out of this dark hole.

I know, I know, you are thinking this woman is full of it. She is always smiling. She is still living her life. Yeah, I am because I have 3 boys that need a mom. But at the end of the day, when I am alone in my room, the smiles stop. I just want to melt into the abiss and never be found.

Depression. It’s a weird thing. I don’t really understand it. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to shut down and have dark thoughts. I try to distract myself, but that’s harder than you think.

I read my books, watch some shows, and write in my journal. It’s not helping much, though. It helps for a tiny bit, and then the darkness sinks in.

The one person who I want to notice. To pull me out of this place. The one person I need more than anyone, he ignores me. I don’t know why. It’s like he doesn’t want to see how bad it is for me. He doesn’t want to acknowledge it, so then it isn’t real to him.

It’s real, though. It’s getting worse, and I’m scaring myself. I’m even at the point where I know I need stronger medication, so I made a doctor’s appointment.

I don’t want to be like this. I dont want to be broken. I’m trying to heal myself, but it’s so hard fighting against that part of me. I’m fighting, though, and I will not stop fighting.

I’m not writing this for attention. I’m writing this to help me and to help anyone else. To let them know they aren’t alone, and if they need a listening ear, I’m here.

I’m writing this because I need to express myself. It helps the depression and to deny that part of me is making it worse. I can’t promise, I’ll be better tomorrow or in a year. But what I can promise is I will never stop fighting to heal myself and get out of this hole. I have 3 amazing sons who need their mom.

I made a promise to them when they were each born that I would be the best mom I could be. Giving into the depression isn’t keeping my promise, so I will keep fighting because I love my boys more than life itself.

Xoxo Sharon