3 boys and me

Yesterday, a tragedy happened. A well loved celebrity passed due to suicide. Yesterday, the whole world exploded with posting about being kind and checking on your friends. And my heart broke because the reality is this won’t last.

I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am going through something that is painful and hard for me to talk about. Especially since I don’t really understand it or know why I’m feeling this way most of the time.

Checking on your friends is great, but let me explain something to you. You need to be consistent. You need to continue to do it even when the allure fads away.

I’m not sure about others but I know myself and if all of a sudden a friend is talking to me often and then stops. It hurts. It sends me into a spiral because I won’t understand why. It makes that lonely pit inside me feel even bigger and causes me to question life even more.

It’s so hard to write this and really explain how I’m feeling. Most days I don’t understand what triggers the thoughts, the feelings, the hopelessness. I’m going to attempt to explain but please remember these are my inner feelings and I’m entitled to them.

Most days I’m ok. I adore my job and have so much fun at work. I have been blessed to work with amazing people who are willing to help me grow in the job. The kids, well, they are incredible tiny humans, that I adore spending my days with. The pain in my chest, the thoughts in my head, they are less when I’m at work and then…

That feeling hits me like a train. I literally sink into a dark hole. Listen, I have a beautiful family. My boys are my world and my reason for being alive. But some days it’s just not enough.

I’m lonely.

I’m lost.

I feel not good enough.

I just want to crawl into a ball, under a blanket, and hide. I try so hard to hide this from my boys. I smile when I want to cry. I hide what I am feeling because I’m so used to being told that I’m wrong. That my feelings aren’t valid. That I’m being dramatic.

It’s hard to ask for help when you are told these things so often. I recognized where my struggles were going, and I chose to get help. Many of us don’t. Many are afraid of the stigma. What will others say?

Then, there is access to help. It’s so hard to find a good therapist that you connect with. Many have a waiting list. Many won’t take insurance. Many are spread so thin they can’t take on new clients.

I got lucky recently and found the perfect therapist for me. It helps. The tools I’m learning are helping. Am I cured? Not yet, maybe not ever. But I’m learning to explain, to express, to deal with this inner turmoil.

And inner turmoil is exactly the phrase that describes what goes on inside me. It’s a battle each and everyday. But I’m not letting the sadness win. I will continue to work extremely hard to heal myself.

Support from friends, family, is nice. Keep being kind and sending the love but just remember, sending 1 check in text isn’t going to heal me. If you truly care you will check in more often!

Thanks for reading. I hope you have a better understanding of my inner self. Much love

Xoxo sharon