You know some people would find this blog a cry for help! Maybe it is? I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s therapy for me. A way to get out the deep feelings I have. The ones I’ll too afraid to express verbally.
When you get told often enough that your feelings aren’t valid, you start to believe it. That’s where I am at and thank goodness for therapy because I would stay on this destructive path otherwise. My feeling are valid! It’s ok to have different feelings from your spouse, parent or anyone.
Lately, I’ve been living in my head. I couldn’t figure out why certain things were happening and then yesterday I found out why. It’s not ok to tell my friends that I’m too sick to do something. It’s not ok to talk about my medical issues like I don’t exist.
I have been working so hard to not let Lupus over take my life. When you took it upon yourself to tell people I’m too sick. You made lupus take over my life. I missed out on helping my friends do something beautiful. I had them all looking at me funny, asking me if I was ok constantly. I couldn’t understand why!
Now, I feel more alone then ever. I don’t count on or trust many people. It’s hard to open up when you are always let down. My walls are back up and you have no one to blame but yourself.
Being angry isn’t helping me heal. It’s not healthy so I’m trying to let it go. But it’s a struggle since when I express my feelings about anything they are just ignored, pushed to the side. I honestly am at lost what to do anymore. It’s like I’m drowning and can’t swim upwards.
The one thing I do know is I’m going to keep writing, keep going to therapy. Keep trying to heal. I deserve a happy life and my boys deserve a happy mama. Ok, I’m done venting!!
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