3 boys and me

Do you hide who you are? Do you stay quiet to not set off the person you love the most? Do you fear the person you shouldn’t fear?

If you answered yes to any of these then you are like me. This is something I’ve always done since I was a little girl. I don’t know why but I’m always surrounded by people with short fuses. People who always think they are right and don’t want to hear me. And then that causes problems..

Because I will get frustrated and start to be on the defensive which probably means I’m not hearing them either. But it’s scary to live with people who have a short fuse. Trust me , I know, that’s how I grew up.

I’m kind of scared to write and post about this but I have to get out my truth. Growing up, my parents, both had a short fuse. It wasn’t a house filled with love. It was a house where you walked on egg shells because you never knew which parent you were going to get.

There was a lot of fighting. I chose to stay in my room and hide or just not be home. I would go stay at a friend’s house for days on end just to experience what loving parents were. I never felt loved. I felt like a was the babysitter/maid. I was the scapegoat for all their frustration and stress.

There were good parts but when there are bad parts that make you want to run away and hide. They tend to outweigh the good. They tend be the only parts you remember.

I remember feeling like they liked my friends more then they liked me. I know my brothers were the favorites and too this day it still is true. I was viewed as the difficult one, the one that was stubborn and the rebel. I was also the one she was the most jealous of.

Yes, I said it. My mother was and still jealous of me. She hated my relationship with my grandparents and aunts. She hated how close I was with them or my cousins. Instead of trying to be a nicer person to me she, gosh I don’t know how to explain it. But I don’t feel like I have a mother. Yep, even now at 43 years old, I don’t feel like I have a mom I can talk to. But that’s a whole different post.

Anyways, growing up, I could tell when the mood would shift. Sunday mornings were my favorite because my dad wasn’t stressed, wasn’t rushed. He was able to just be him and his fuse wasn’t so short. The rest of the week, well, I hid from him.

I never felt I could tell then when I was scared, when I was hurting or anything. I didn’t even think I could share the good because it wasn’t good enough. I get a B and I would get why isn’t it an A. So frustrating and so lonely.

Fast forward to now and it’s still like this, I still don’t have a healthy relationship with them. I tried. I tried for my boys sake but sometimes you can only try so hard. What’s that saying you can’t lead a horse to water. That’s what it feels like with them.

Never is there a phone call asking about our day. Never is there an offer to help when I am having a flare up day. I don’t rely on them mainly her for much. My dad has changed as he has gotten older. Our relationship has improved and he is an awesome grandfather. But he is still married to her and I keep them both at arms length because it’s just easier that way.

Anyway, as I’m working on myself, I’m noticing that I am still hiding who I am. I still stay quiet to keep the peace. There are so many reasons but the many one is I don’t want the boys to hear fighting so it’s easier to stay quiet. I know this isn’t healthy and I’m trying to learn how not to be this way.

One day maybe I’ll stand up for myself. One day maybe I’ll show the real me. I don’t know. It’s such a struggle. This was hard to write! But I hope maybe it helps someone out there learn they aren’t alone. Others have issues too!

Xoxo sharon