I read this quote recently, ” and selfishly perhaps, writing helps me regain some of the power that’s been lost to my illness.” This is so true.
Writing makes me feel heard when I don’t feel heard by the world around me. Writing makes me not disappear. The one thing I want most is to be accepted for who I am now. To be understood and to not have to hide how sick I am.
I, like most everyone with a chronic illness feel like people don’t believe me. That because my outside looks ok that I’m not sick. That there isn’t a monster currently picking parts of my body to attack. I hide the rash on my face. I cover up the bruises on my stomach and legs from my injections.
I do things to make me not look sick because I don’t want to answer the questions. I don’t want to listen to the advice of well meaning people. Especially when I am doing most of the things they say to do, they just aren’t changing anything.
I also don’t want to deal with the gaslighting. Because I know my reality and I don’t need anyone making me question it. So I hide and I write instead.
I hide the tears.
I hide the pain.
I hide the broken parts.
It’s hard to deal with Lupus daily but when the people closest to you are questioning it. Well, that makes it unbearable. Getting asked how I caught lupus because no one else in the family has it. Getting told that I don’t understand pain because their back pain, feet pain, knee pain is worse.
Yesterday, this exact thing happened again. I was yelled at over and over again that they are in pain and I just don’t understand. Being in pain is not a reason to be angry and yell at the people closest to you. And that is one thing I try not to do. I try to not take my pain out on others, so if I’m quiet you know why.
It’s frustrating being me. Having no one believe me and no one understand. Wait that’s wrong, I have people who understand but I also have people that hurt me with their lack of understanding. Does that make sense?
I restart therapy on Monday because I need to deal with these emotions. I need to not keep them so bottled up because I’m afraid to express myself to the people closest to me. I need to learn how to handle these people in a healthier way.
One thing I have learned recently by expressing myself through writing is, I have a lot of pent of emotions. It’s why I’m depressed. I can’t express myself because I’m told I’m wrong on the daily so I hide. Thanks to this blog, I’m finally not hiding. So to the 5 people reading, I thank you for allowing me to express myself.
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