3 boys and me

I’ve been struggling to write lately. I can’t find the words to express anything. I just want to hide and not be seen most of the time. It’s defeating to feel like this but I’m hoping once I start therapy next week, I’ll learn new tools to help.

I honestly don’t even know what to write about. I have no ideas. I don’t want to keep writing about my lupus, the pain, the depression. It makes me sad to keep writing about it. I wish my life was different.

I do have good things. Like my boys. They are really amazing kids. I honestly couldn’t be more blessed.

Let’s start with my oldest. I feel like his goal in life is to make me laugh and to remind me not to take life too seriously. He is always doing strange things and just being goofy. His entire friend group is like this. They literally are so funny that spending 5 minutes with them improves your mood.

Connor is also just… I’m going to cry writing about them, ok, I can do this. Connor, is also one of the kindest kids I know. I’m not just saying that because he is mine. If you know me you know I always admit when my kids are wrong. Connor though has this big heart. He is always helping his friends and his coaches. He is the only teenager I know that helps him mom without whining about it.

That makes me wonder though if my chronic illness changed him. I mean it would be in a good way. I don’t hide my bad days from them. I try to be truthful and ask them to be helpful and patient with me on those days. Connor always jumps in and helps. He might act a fool doing it but he does it. For that I am grateful.

My middle son, Parker, my sports loving, quiet, sarcastic, brilliant, child. Parker is alot like me. I worry about him the most. He has anxiety, he prefers to be home and he is super sensitive. Parker is also very sarcastic and says things that are so out of left field. That kid is going to be a lawyer or a politician one day.

Parker worries alot and he is the one I share with the least about my chronic illness. I don’t want to worry him but I can see it in his eyes, he worries. I probably shouldn’t hide stuff from him. I need to be honest so he doesn’t worry so much. It’s a catch 22.

And then there is my youngest, Devin, the one we didn’t know we needed to complete our family. This kid is so full of love and life. His happiness and energy are contagious. He drives us all bonkers with his weird little ways but makes us laugh too. Devin is a great mixer of both is brothers with a dash of troublemaker.

He has no fear and loves big. His kindness makes me proud as a mom. Devin takes care of me. On my bad days, he lays with me in bed. He rubs my head or aching hands. He brings me drinks and makes sure I have everything I need. But best of all, he keeps me laughing and reminds me life is worth fighting for.

I guess I figured out what to write about. These 3 boys are the reason I am trying to find not a cure but a way to live in less pain. I want to watch them grow. I want to be at every event big or small! I want to always be the one cheering the loudest on the sidelines! I want them to know they are loved beyond measure and that I am truly lucky that they are mine.

Hopefully when they are grown, with families, lives of their own. The memories they made with me will remind them how important it is to be present in their kids lives. Will remind them to keep being who they are. To remind them that mom is always in their corner! And hopefully, I am around to watch them raise their own children!

I guess the moral of my little ramblings here is to cherish the moments. They are reasons enough to live. Hug your children tight each night and never stop saying I love you!

Xoxo sharon