I have a hard time just letting go…
I have a hard time just being me…
I always think I’m too much for people. Well, I know I’m too much for people!
I just want to enjoy life when I can and have fun! I don’t want to take life to seriously all the time. Basically I want to forget that I’m sick, am hearing impaired and all my issues.
Then it starts, the looks. The uncomfortable feeling and my anxiety creeps in. People just don’t get me. I can be introverted, well I am most of the time. But then events like Halloween happen and I want to dress up, and forget who I am.
I’m also like this in the classroom with the kids. Tiny people bring out the best in me. They don’t judge. They ask frank questions and accept the answers. They just want adults to teach, love and understand them! I get that! I understand them! I want to be the adult that they remember and says is the reason they love school. I want them to love learning as much as I do.
Ok back to just letting go…. I can’t shake my anxiety though. I can’t let go of the feeling of being judged. Why are adults so judgemental? Why can’t they be more like kids?
Sometime I catch myself being judgemental and I get angry with myself. I quickly change my way of thinking and try to just embrace who that person is. I don’t want to be cruel, like others are too me.
See, I was always the outcast growing up. The friend that was on the outskirts of the circle. The one who was talked about behind her back. I was never comfortable growing up. I always felt left out. My anxiety always got the best of me and I would try to change who I am to please others.
I’m trying to learn to let go…
I’m trying to learn that being me is ok..
I’m working on knowing that not everyone needs to be my friend. That I don’t have to please the world.
I think I’m getting better at this as an adult but I still feel a panic everytime I leave the house. Anytime I have to go into a situation with a group of people.
I’m lucky I have a small group of friends who don’t judge me. They know I’m nutty and quiet. They know I prefer kids and books to adults. They know I’m working hard on being a better me and accept me for it.
They know who they are. They know I love and adore them and will do anything for them! Without them I don’t think I would have been able to survive these last few years. So, thank you for always being my people. Thank you for accepting me as me and helping me heal!
Leave a Reply