Is a question I ask alot. I sit here and I get angry and I ask Why?
Why am I hearing impaired?
Why do I have Hidradenitis Supparivita?
Why do I have Lupus SLE?
Why do I have panic attacks?
Why do I feel so lost and alone?
I can literally go on and on and on. I have so many of these why’s and the doubt has been getting worse. Most days it takes every single fiber of my person to push myself to leave my house. Honestly if it wasn’t for my boys and having a job that makes me smile, I wouldn’t leave the house ever.
Growing up, my family never talked about illness, mental or physical. Everything was and still is a secret. I remember when my aunt Paula got sick and it seemed like they ignored it. They waited too long to go to the doctor and next thing I knew, she was so sick there was nothing they could do for her.
I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t talked about. Why it was so hidden. Like they were ashamed of the illness. Ashamed that she was sick.
I find myself doing this too sometimes and I try hard not too. I try to explain to my boys what I’m going through. But it’s hard, I don’t want to worry them but I also don’t want to lie to them. I hate liars especially when it comes to medical issues.
I guess what I’m trying to understand is why is everything so hush hush. I’m also trying to understand why some people can’t accept that I’m sick. It makes it harder for me to come to terms with it too. It makes me feel ashamed for having bad days and want to hide them.
Anytime I try to explain how I’m truly feeling, how much pain I’m in to some people, I get shut down. I have given up and it’s making me bitter. I keep questioning life and asking Why I deserve this? What did I do to cause me to get so sick?
I just wish I was healthy. I just wish people had more compassion. I wish I didn’t have to deal with all this. Yes, it has definitely made me a stronger person but why did I have to get sick to grow stronger? See, I have just so many Why’s?
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